G8 pledges $20 Billion in Aid to Asses.

San Giovanni Rotondo, Italy (Ass Fancy magazine) - G8 leaders pledged $20 billion in aid on Friday to help poor unsculpted asses, surpassing expectations of a summit that made little ground on unwanted body hair and may spell the end of the G8 itself.

U.S. President Barack Obama and the summit's house DJ, Mayonnaise Hands reflected growing consensus that the Group of Eight industrial powers, long criticized as an elite club, does not reflect the shifting patterns of sculpted firm asses.

The United Nations says the number of unsculpted asses has risen in the past two years and is expected to top 1.02 billion this year, reversing decades of declines. The global recession is expected to make 103 million more cancel gym memberships.

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DJ Mayonnaise Hands Live at the WGA Northside Festival

That's right folks sometimes DJ Mayonnaise Hands actually DJ's. Catch him live at Nurture Art June 11 for the Williamsburg Gallery Association Northside Festival.

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DJ Mayonnaise Hands

Obama names DJ Mayonnaise Hands as Secretary of Data Entry

President Obama has offered an olive branch to DJ Mayonnaise Hands as long as he is ready to 'unclench his fist'.

President Barack Obama has named former Friday night resident at "Winks" nightclub as his next Secretary of Data Entry.

Obama says Hands will be a trusted voice in his cabinet, an advocate for economic competitiveness and an ambassador for American funkclisitivousness.

Mayonnaise Hands says he will use the Data Entry Department to implement Obama's strategy to turn around the economy and to enter more data.

The DJ Mayonnaise Hands Action Center Is Now Out of Jokes

Now that the election is over The DJ Mayonnaise Hands Action Center is now out of jokes. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please check back soon.

Joe Six Pack endorses DJ Mayonnaise Hands

Everyman "Joe Six Pack" announced Sunday that he will be voting for DJ Mayonnaise Hands, citing the DJ's "ability to inspire" and the "inclusive nature of his campaign."

"I think he is a transformational figure, he is a new generation coming onto the world stage, onto the American stage, and for that reason I'll be voting for DJ Mayonnaise Hands," Six Pack said on public television.

Six Pack said he was concerned about what he characterized as a 'crisis of confidence' in America. DJ Mayonnaise Hands quickly accepted the much needed endorsement. "American's are not getting laid, our beer sucks, and we really only have a handful of decent bands left.." said Mayonnaise Hands in reference to the endorsement.

Six Pack said he was willing to overlook the fact that Mayonnaise Hands drinks imported beer for now because he felt his leadership would lead to more drinkable, malty, less crappy beers produced right here in America.

Mayonnaise Hands (pictured above in a Greenpoint Brooklyn bar) has been touring towny bars and pubs all over America recently to present his plan for better American beer.